‘I don’t know’

What happens when a coaching client says that phrase? For a coach, it could be an exciting or a scary place to be in. On one hand, if the client talks only about what they know, not much value is added. On the other hand, when they approach the boundary of what they know, what lies ahead of them could be scary or too ambiguous. When coaches feel these reactions we can interpret ‘I don’t know’ as ‘Get me out of there.’

I want to describe what I usually do in situations like that but first I want to mention other typical approaches and their downsides.

The first one is trying to find a better question, one that will dispel the mist of ‘I don’t know’ and will move the client forward. Practically, it means that we start analyzing the situation to come up with a better question. It becomes more about us and our questioning skills rather than the client’s thinking. We lose our presence with a client.

Another one is nudging them by offering a piece of information about what we know about the unknown lying in front of them. We probably already had clients in a similar situation, tackling similar challenge, or ruminating over a similar question. We know what other people have found there and we can start throwing in some breadcrumbs, even without being too directive. But doing it still means that we are making the choice for them about what to explore.

The first is about process leading–we decide what’s needed is a better question. The second is about content leading–we decide what topic can move them forward. Both of these approaches are about leading the client out of ‘I don’t know.’

On the contrary, the approach I want to share is all about leaning into client’s ‘I don’t know.’ Here’s how I used it with a coaching client last week. In that session, there was a lot of ‘I don’t know’ energy right from the beginning when the client was answering the very first question about what’s the topic for that session. As we explored, we discovered that he wanted to be more motivated and excited about his work. But any question related to this topic again led to an ‘I don’t know’ answer.

Here’s what I did. I offered him to do an experiment: ‘Can you take this question, pose it inside of yourself, and observe yourself in the process of answering it.’

He did. He went in for a moment but almost immediately he started talking in a voice similar to that he used before, a voice filled with ‘I don’t know.’ So I decided to interrupt him and check in with him: ‘Can I interrupt you? Is it an answer or a conversation about the answer?’ He smiled and said ‘A conversation about the answer.’ So we repeated the experiment and after a few more reps the energy shifted. He started really engaging with the question rather than merely describing himself not knowing the answer to the question.

Using that different type of thinking and being with questions, he was able eventually to find a beautiful and much deeper insight. It actually was about how the way he thinks about motivation and excitement–rationally and in a bit detached manner–is the very reason he cannot access more of it. To have more motivation and excitement, he learned, he will need to pay more attention to his needs and emotions while he thinks.

What exactly happened in this session and why it was so valuable and paradoxically unexpected to the client? I will describe a pattern that played out for this client but I find it very typical. My working hypothesis is that it’s universal. I become more aware of this pattern through the work of philosopher and psychologist Eugene Gendlin, author of Focusing methodology.

Questions to which we know answers produce a certain feeling. It’s a feeling that we know the answer or that the answer is somewhere close and we can access it. When we have this feeling, we hold it and then attach the right words to it like beads on a string.

Questions to which clients don’t know the answer don’t produce this kind of feeling. There is no string. This absence of ‘I know’ feeling is interpreted and labeled as ‘I don’t know’ and then people stop engaging with the question. And more often than not it comes along with some anxiety, frustration, or self-judgement. These induce tension and clients disengage from the question even more.

Often answering requires discovery. For that to happen, we need to spend quality time with a question. When we spend more time with a question, knowing does come.

With that pattern in mind, my role as a facilitator of their thinking is not to offer them better questions but rather to help them better engage with whatever questions are already there. For that, I need to be more present to how they engage with them. I need to hold the moments after the question was asked as crucially important. And then I need to pay all the attention I can to how clients receive it. The quality of their receiving is significantly more important than the quality of our asking.

I also think that it might be possible to use a similar process with oneself while being stuck with some question or challenge. But most likely it’s easier to do it with another person who can help facilitate this process.

If you have additional questions or what to share your thoughts about this approach feel free to email me at alex at alematynov.com. I’m always open and curious to discuss these matters.